Ah yes, the City of Angels. In our next film, it has been confirmed that Hollywood is the most vapid place anyone has ever been, or will ever be again. I spent two hours in La La Land, and really couldn’t wait to get back. Here it is, folks, the darling of the Golden Globes and the favorite to sweep the Academy Awards, La La Land. Otherwise known as, Actors Feeling Martyred About Being Actors.
But before I get too opinionated, let’s get our heads out of the clouds and down to brass tacks.
La La Land is written and directed by Damien Chazelle and stars Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone. It’s pegged as a “musical romantic comedy-drama”, whatever that is. It’s been nominated for a record-tying FOURTEEN categories, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor (Gosling), Best Actress (Stone), Best Original Song(s), and a bunch of other things. Sadly, it swept the Globes, and people are assuming it’s going to take the Oscars as well.
Pretending I’m not sad about this film, nor opinionated, here’s what happens. Spoiler alerts ahead. (You’re welcome.)
Emma Stone plays Mia, an aspiring actress living in sunny California and working at a coffee shop on the Warner Brothers’ lot. She first encounters Sebastian (Gosling) when he blares his horn angrily at her, as they’re both stuck in traffic (on the 405? I have no idea). We see Mia audition a bunch of times, and she doesn’t get any of them. We also see her go to parties with her (actor?) friends, and hate both 
the parties and everyone who attends them. Because apparently in Hollywood, everyone hates being in Hollywood. Meanwhile, Sebastian is a struggling jazz musician, which is surprising really, and has resorted to taking gigs which are far beneath him as a serious musician, and really what gigs aren’t beneath him really? While gigging at a restaurant, Mia hears him playing the one thing he isn’t supposed to be playing- a song off the set list. She is captivated by him and goes up to him to tell him so, but he brushes past her rudely because this movie is ridiculous. At a party she hates being at, Mia sees Sebastian playing a completely different yet still wildly beneath him gig, and requests a silly song to help him feel even more lowered. They angrily/sassily/lovingly speak, and it’s off to the races.
She leaves her boyfriend for him. They enjoy wild hijinks. They passionately run to each other and kiss enthusiastically at the start of every scene. There might even be a running-to-each-other-and-kissing montage. We learn that Mia’s dream is to be famous, and Sebastian’s is to open his own club. Sebastian runs into a school chum, Keith, played by John Legend, who Sebastian dislikes for some reason. Keith, blithely unaware of the faux tension the film has attempted to create, invites Sebastian to audition for a musical gig involving a thousand dollar per week salary, recording gigs, a contract, a nationwide tour, and basically all the things most musicians would kill for. The only trouble is, Sebastian isn’t playing pure jazz, he’s playing a “hybrid” (otherwise known as pop music written anytime after the mid 1900’s) and Sebastian’s principles are compromised. However, Sebastian takes the gig and becomes wildly successful. How awful. Mia, meanwhile, has become annoyed at not getting any roles in an oversaturated market, and decides to write a one-woman show, so she quits her day job (what is wrong with these people?) and devotes herself full-time to a life of living off of her parents’ money. She and Sebastian rarely see each other, and when he comes into town for a surprise visit, she picks a fight with him for not following his dreams, ends the relationship, and storms out. Sebastian, of course, misses the show, and the show, of course, fails. Mostly because we see Mia sending out an email blast about the show with no specifics, a terrible heading, and some statement about this being a labor of love. (Why, I ask you? Why?) Mia freaks out and quits the biz and goes to hang out with her parents.
Because Hollywood is a cliche, Mia ends up getting a major movie role because that one special casting director was in the audience of her show. She and Sebastian realize that it’s hard to have long distance relationships when the only thing keeping you together is the idea of martyrdom, and they go their separate ways. In the end, she ends up being rich and famous, married, with a baby, and is out with her hubs one night on the town when they stumble into a jazz club. But what’s that? On the wall, it’s…it’s…could it be the logo Mia once designed for Sebastian? Why yes! It is Sebastian’s club! She sees him, and he sees her, and they’re stunned, and we see her remember everything they went through except the perfect version that ends with him sitting there watching some random guy play music because it could have been wonderful. But alas. It’s not. You’re you. And I’m me. And we’re just two different people. I’m so sorry. But nothing will ever change the way I feel about you, John. That summer we spent…*record scratch*
I’m sorry. That’s an email I’m sending later.
So Mia and nameless husband leave once Sebastian has stopped playing their song (which is awful, may I just add, my lord who wrote that drivel?). And at the door she turns. And she waits. And she smiles. (Name that [really awesome] musical and that song.)
Also, this is a musical, so there is a lot of terrible singing to terribly written songs, and terrible dancing to go with it. Best Original Song? Please. Where is Jason Robert Brown when you need him?
Have you figured out through my synopsis that I didn’t necessarily enjoy this film? If you haven’t, let me make it abundantly clear. I definitely, definitely did not enjoy this film. But it’s a musical, they said. It’ll be fun, they said! It certainly is not fun, and it’s a poor excuse for a movie musical. Again, we run into Hollywood’s unfortunate assumption- any musical with famous people du jour is automatically going to be good, no musical talent required. Can they hold a tune? Sure, better than Russel Crowe could. But that’s not necessarily a rousing endorsement. And the actual songs are awful, with childish motifs and the least complex musical structure since, well, maybe ever. They’re like Suzuki songs written for people to learn to play the piano and sing at the same time. And Gosling and Stone really don’t do anything except be assholes (Gosling) and be winsome and quirky in an endless parade of retro-ish dresses (Stone). They don’t necessarily do anything except be themselves on screen, which isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen as they’re both generally enjoyable to watch. If only they had been given something to work with. They did their best.
But really the most upsetting part about La La Land isn’t the horrible music, the pretend dancing, nor is it the portrayals, it’s the awful, awful storyline. If you like watching artists complain about how hard it is to be artists, then La La Land is for you. It’s whiney and boring, because there’s no conflict other than the two leads feeling their souls crying out for artistic fulfillment. Ugh. The major conflict of the film is that Sebastian has chosen to take a job that he is actually managing to enjoy, until Mia shows up and shames him for not following his dream. That conflict lasts for approximately eight seconds, and somehow it ends the entire relationship. Because obviously it’s based on tap dancing and nostalgia. Any actor who has ever had a portfolio career (that’s the fancy word for ‘day job’) is likely rolling their eyes at this dispute. Listen, Mia. Let me give you a tip. Not everyone just LOVES the most recent production of A Christmas Carol they just closed. However, you know what gigs like A Christmas Carol do? They put respected regional credits on your resume, they put money in your bank account, they connect you with great theaters and awesome actors, and they save you from twiddling your thumbs over at Mom’s because you’re not working on anything. I mean HONESTLY. Shaming the man you claim to love because he’s enjoying himself being on tour? And then instantly copping out because your horribly advertised, likely mediocre-at-best one-woman show failed? This isn’t conflict, nor is it an interesting storyline. It’s Hollywood being self-absorbed.
La La Land is highly likely to win, because there’s nothing Hollywood loves more than talking about itself at parties. That’s probably why Mia hates going to them. I wish the Academy Awards did too.